John Ashdown

ASH FOR QUESTIONS

John Ashdown is a burglar. He is in fact part of a sophisticated team of burglars who operate from a Kings Cross hideout in London village. John and his pals use their cunning skills to rob of our time everyday. How many times during your working day have you tried to shield your pc from your boss because instead of rolling the Yen you're sneaking a look at the sports pages on the Guardian website?

"Everything is hunky dory, Japan can sleep tight" I say to the aforementioned boss whilst trying not to scratch my nose or blink. These lies are for a good reason though. Ashdown has got a shoe in each of the following delights; The knowledge, Today In Sport, The Fiver (of course The Fiver), daily transfer gossip and a plethora of other gubbins and, furthermore, the whole Jewson lot is bloody marvellous.

So clearly, John Ashdown - like Manchester before him - has so much to answer for. So without further ado (get on with it you lemon - Ed.) here's an EFW exclusive with the man they're calling John Ashdown:

Here is a little tip for you chaps at The Guardian that you might want to think about covering: the World Cup in South Africa 2010 - starts today. If you take that on board, what are they likely to have you doing for it? They've already brought out the manacles. We've got reports, blogs, live coverage, podcasts, videos, tweets and news galore. Personally, I'll be concentrating on perfecting my pretending-to-work-while-surreptitiously-watching-the-football schtick.

Likewise John, likewise. What's your favourite World Cup memory? David Platt's goal against Belgium in 1990 'in the last minute of extra time'. Nine years old. In the White Hart (with my dad, I should add). Way past my bedtime. And one of the most criminally-underrated goals in World Cup history. Magic.

Do you think En-ger-land will win it? 'Fraid not. Quarters, probably. Semis, possibly. I have a sneaking suspicion it'll be Holland's year.

Enough of the World Cup already. You've given EFW some welcome coverage on the Guardian pages. Are there any other football blogs that tickle the Ashdown fancy? Twohundredpercent is a fantastic site, one that gives plenty of exposure to the little guys of the football world. Their series on Chester during the winter was exceptional. One other I have a real soft spot for is Tony kempster - a stats site keeping track of scores, tables and attendances right the way down the league pyramid. If you want to know how many came through the turnstiles for Pease Pottage Village v St Francis Rangers in the Sussex League Division Two in the 2004-05 season (and, let's face it, who doesn't), it's there (35, by the way). It was run by the eponymous Tony until he died last year (almost exactly a year ago now) and now stands almost as a memorial, like a stopped clock.

How did you end up at Guardian Towers? Same old story, I'm afraid - not what you know but who you know. A university lecturer helped me bag two weeks work in the summer of 2002. That turned into a month. Then the season. I'm still clinging on.

Clinging on and going great guns but it's 2010 and you're not on Twitter Mr Ashdown. Time to get down with the kids no? It's bit poor isn't it? I tend to use it quite a bit (@badjournalism is a particular favourite) so I'm beginning to feel like a Twitter leech (or Tweech, if you like) - taking what I want out of it without putting anything in. I'm sure I'll be on there soon, though the thought of Barry Glendenning 'following' me is slightly unsettling.

The Knowledge on the Guardian website is a thing of rare beauty. Are there any cunning or inane questions and answers that stand out? My favourites tend to fall into two categories. There are the deep research ones - an afternoon with my head stuck in old Rothmans or Guardian archive pages is something close to my idea of nirvana. Of that ilk the recent question on the pointlessness of taking three goalkeepers to a World Cup is a perfect example - it's not something I've ever seen anywhere else and it was an excuse to spend all day looking at every single World Cup line-up since 1930.

The other category of great questions are the ones where you get fantastic anecdotes or info from readers. Have any football matches been captured on Google Earth? Well, yes they have. From which train trip in Britain can you see the most league football grounds? This one, actually. You just couldn't do those questions without an army of trivia-loving readers pitching in.

　

And occasionally you get emails out of leftfield that really make your day. The one from David White's dad, for example.

Genius, surely there is a book in that isn't there? Why, yes there is! Available in all good bookshops etc and so forth. My Knowledge colleague James Dart put it together so he scoops all the vast royalties.

Stinker. Who is the biggest football anorak at The Guardian? Smyth. Without question. Though I did once out-anorak him at a football-based quiz by knowing that Edgeley Park is the closest ground to the Mersey and recognising a bearded early-80s Martin Jol.

Has anyone ever disagreed with Jonathan Wilson on a 'football tactics' issue or do you all just agree with everything he says and then pass it off as your own thoughts down the pub? I find it rarely pays to disagree with Jonathan about anything. He seems to know pretty much everything about about pretty much everything. We once spent a four-hour train journey from London to Sunderland together and he regaled me with stories of the various features of the north-east coast as we went past, pointing out of the window at some 14th century castles and revealing who lived there, what they used to have for their tea and what their dog was called. When I went to Amsterdam for a weekend last year he recommended the Indonesian rijsttafel. Now I'm a bit of a gourmand, but I'd never heard of it - turns out it's ruddy amazing. So in the face of such knowledge I'd never dream of questioning him on tactics, and, yes, in the right company (ie people who haven't read much of Wilson's stuff) dropping 'Actually I reckon the full-back is the most important player on the pitch' into a conversation can make it sound like you know what you're talking about.

Rather embarrassingly Mr Fuller from The Ball is Round and I got locked inside Wembley Stadium a few weeks back. You've got previous in this department have you not? Alas, yes. It's happened twice, with varying degrees of embarrassment. Basically on both occasions the shoddy broadband at Loftus Road and Hillsborough meant I had to pop back to the press box to file match reports rather than utilise the press lounge. And on both occasions, I returned to the press lounge to find doors locked and lights going off. At Loftus Road I accidentally scared my other half by ringing her and saying I was 'stuck in the ground'. She thought I'd fallen down a hole. After wandering round the pitch I managed to get out through the players' tunnel. That wasn't an option at Hillsborough - it was locked for a start, but I'd also left my keys in my bag in the press lounge. I don't really want to go into the unedifying details. Suffice to say they include increasingly frantic banging on a door, increasingly loud and colourful swearing, and, eventually, rescue from a understandably nervous looking local journalist.

You like your cricket as well. Would you prefer an afternoon at Lords watching England rip through the Aussie card or a seat at the World Cup QF watching England unexpectedly overcome Portugal on penalties? I'd have to say Lord's. I'm not an England-hater, but I do find it increasingly hard to get behind the national side. Too many dislikable characters. That said, even when I was a kid I'd have taken a Sheffield United FA Cup win over an England World Cup victory.　

My wife wouldn't agree but I don't actually digest that much football media during the week. The thing I do make a point of listening to each week though is the Football Weekly Podcasts. Are they as much fun to record as they are to listen to? Probably more. It's far more shambolic than you'd ever imagine having downloaded from iTunes, which is a testament to the skills of Producers Pete and Ben. That sitting around chatting to such footballing brains as Raf Honigstein, AC Jimbo and others is an occasional part of my job is a real privilege.

Do you have a favourite James Richardson pun? There was that one about Sharon Stone and Nicklas Bendtner. But as we don't have the option of bleeping it out, it probably can't be repeated here.

How do you think Football Weekly differs from TheGame podcast and The Football Ramble? I suppose on a spectrum of seriousness, if you had the Game at one end and the Football Ramble at the other, we'd be floating in the middle. I imagine if you like football and enjoy podcasts you probably subscribe to all three. I certainly used to, though it's just FW and the Ramble for me these days.

I don't suppose you all queue up to do those minute by minute reports do you? They're wonderful to read but no so good for repetitive strain injuries I'm guessing? I genuinely always enjoy doing them, although it's very difficult to get a proper impression of the match because you're always watching them out of the corner of your eye. And, yes, they do make you yearn for a touch-typing class.

How much sport do you watch a week? Not as much as you might think. When you work in a sport environment all day it's nice to get away from it when you leave the office. For example, I'm currently listening to a Radio 4 report on krill. That said, it's probably still far too much.

Barry Glendenning is bezzy mates with Dara O Briain (check him out). Who is the most famous person in the Ashdown mobile? O Briain? Pah! I used to have Barry Chuckle's number in my mobile. I curse the day a bike-riding local youth nicked it (the phone, not the number). Glendenning and Dara can keep their dry Irish witticisms. As far as I'm concerned comedy reached its zenith with 'to me, to you.'

Tee hee, thanks a million for talking to EFW John and keep up the good work old chap. Cheers. It's been a pleasure.

So there you have it folks, John Ashdown is not only a top man (see above) but, he won't mind me telling you that he recently cemented his 'football guru' status by predicting Blackpool would be relegated from the Championship last season, Oh. I'm off to get a train from Plymouth to Aberdeen, 11-and-a-half hour journey that takes in 20 (twenty) league grounds in case you didn't click on the link earlier. £180 well spent and no mistake.

Read up on John's work at The Guardian HERE. To get tip-top satirical daily football email The Fiver delivered to your inbox click THERE and you'd be an absolute radish if you didn't download the Football Weekly podcast - again for free - HERE each week.

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Barry Glendenning, Sid Lowe, Gabriele Marcotti and Paul Hayward

The Greatest Show on Earth

How about getting three of the most respected football journalists and Barry Glendenning to wax lyrical about the World Cup then our kid? Not a problem old chap. In recent weeks EFW has been fortunate to have had enough blag about us to coax big name journalists into our sorry web. So in a neatly put together highlights package (just hum a bit of Stone Roses whilst you're reading), here are all four big name - we're only joking Baz you're the best - interviews in which the lads have their say about the hype and the hoopla of The Greatest Show on Earth:

On England chances

Barry Glendenning - I honestly don't think England have a snowball's chance in hell of winning the World Cup, which is an option that doesn't go down well with some of my English friends. But they've had Ireland under the heel of oppression for over 800 years now, so I don't care what they think. They might have forgotten what Cromwell did, but I haven't.

Sid Lowe - I have a feeling that England might go one step further than normal this time. So, quarters or semis, then. We might actually beat one genuinely good team. I find it hard to avoid the feeling that with England success or failure depends on the teams that await once it gets to knock out rounds, rather than how well we really play.

Paul Hayward - England are football's eternal quarter-finalists. In the 12 World Cups they've contested, they've gone out at that stage six times. But Capello is special. he could make the difference in those tight knock-out games. But I still don't think England play possession football as well as the superpowers - that's our undoing against the really big teams. I'd say semi-finals this time.

If England fail to win the World Cup, it'll be the media's fault for bigging them up

GM - The media always big up England. It depends how England go out. The fact of the matter is that luck and happenstance play big roles. You don't necessarily need to be lucky, you need not to be unlucky.

BG - I don't care whose fault it is (although a small part of me hopes it's John Terry's fault), so long as they come home empty-handed. England's a great country which has been very good to me, but the jingoistic smugness that would accompany a World Cup win would be unbearable for me as an envious Paddy. Myself and a couple of Irish mates have already decided that if England make it to the final, we're going to spend the 90 minutes of the game doing laps of the London Underground's Circle Line. Then once we reckon the match is over, we'll alight from the Tube and emerge blinking into the sunlight to see what the prevailing mood on the street is.

Who is going to win?

PH - Spain, if they maintain their European Championship winning form. A wonderful team. But Brazil have developed a lethal counter-attacking style and are well-drilled by their manager Dunga.

Did someone say Spain? Get Sid back on the line. They'll win it won't they Sid?

SL - They should. But, hey, shit happens....one slip and they could be out. Del Bosque said something very important: Spain shouldn't let themselves get into a dangerous state where it's either win the tournament or be a failure. I think they are the best side in the world but who knows if they will actually win it. Torres and Villa will be vital.

Favourite World Cup memory

GM - I'll give you two involving Italy, just because they were so personal. Watching Italy v Brazil in 1982 in my Little suburb of Frankfurt and seeing Zoff make that late save, that was special. but also in the semi final against Germany at the Westfalen Stadium, when Lippi brought on the two strikers even as Germany was battering us. And then seeing Lehmann beaten and try to kick Gilardino. Wonderful. As for non-Italy related memories, obviously Maradonna's second goal against England, as well as that brilliant reverse pass with his right foot to set up Caniggia against Brazil in 1990. Rashidi Yekini collapsing into the back of the net and praying after scoring for Nigeria. There are plenty of others. (Note to self: arrange night on the beer with Gab to talk about World Cup memories - Ed.).

Any matches you're looking forward to?

PH - In the group stage, Brazil v Portugal is the highlight. Ronaldo v Kaka, anything involving Argentina and Maradonna will be interesting; he's a reporter's dream! Thierry Henry's first appearance for France could be lively. They'll be cheering him on in Dublin.

Does the World Cup still get our juices flowing?

GM - Absolutely. There is nothing like it. And if you've been fortunate enough to witness your team winning it - as I have been, twice in my lifetime - there is nothing like it.

You can read the lads interviews in full by clicking on their names here; Barry Glendenning, Sid Lowe, Paul Hayward & Gabriele Marcotti. If you think they were good then listen up real good when I tell you that next week we've got John Ashdown of The Guardian to talk to EFW. Scoop-age or what! Woop, crash, fireworks, confetti and hoopla etc

Follow EFW, Barry, Sid and Gabriele on Twitter.

The photo is of the grasshopper was taken a few weeks ago at Soccer City, Johannesburg by a pal of mine. Where else was I going to use it?

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Barry Glendenning

Guardian angel

Evidently, I'm not alone in appreciating the sophisticated wit, scepticism and cynicism of the genial Barry Glendenning. His minute by minute match reports are often the most read thing on the Guardian website - with its 33 million (million!) readers. Furthermore, he's the maestro largely responsible for The Fiver; a flipping marvellous tea-time satirical newsletter that brightens up umpty thrumpty inboxes every weekday.

Glendenning also sprinkles magic on the Football Weekly podcast (simply the best bit of football media one can digest) and has started casting his spell on the new Today in Sport - Live! feature which will undoubtedly result in yet more damage to your F5 key as update your PC throughout the day, whilst pretending to do some work.

Anyway, enough of the pleasantries (phew - Ed), EFW was delighted to be granted an exclusive interview with the Big G. So, pull up a chair and join us we chat about paranoid Everton fans, Cash in the Attic and why Dara O Briain is erm....a "fucker".

Satirical daily emails, minute by minute reports, Football Weekly...do you ever long to get out of the office and report on matches? On cold winter afternoons I often yearn for an away day in Crewe or Wolverhampton, sitting in a press box trying to type 300 words of pristine prose to a tight deadline with frozen fingers, but unfortunately my paymasters rarely see fit to unshackle me from my desk, so it remains a pipe dream.

Are there any sports other than football you take a keen interest in? I will watch anything, even that nonsense on Eurosport where blokes compete against each other to see who can ride a motorbike the furthest up a very steep hill, fall off near the summit and then tumble all the way back down while trying to avoid their bouncing bike. As far as keen interests outside of football go, I love horse racing, cricket, rugby and Ireland's national sport of hurling. But like I said, I'll watch pretty much anything: tennis, golf, snooker, darts, rugby league, Aussie Rules, boxing, gaelic football, cycling, motor racing … you name it. There are very few sports that I've never warmed to, but basketball is one of them. I wouldn't cross the street to watch an NBA game. I had a Polish builder doing a job in my house recently and he was trying to extol the virtues of handball, but I wasn't convinced.

How long do think it'll be before a Premiership club goes out of business? I would not be hugely surprised if Portsmouth go out of business by the time I finish answering this question. They seem to be very badly run and while it would be an awful shame for their fans if they did go to the wall, my podcasting partner James Richardson recently made the excellent point that at least there's another team in nearby Southampton that their fans will be able to support instead.

Football fans take themselves too seriously don't they? A lot of them do, but then so do a lot of football writers and pundits. People need to lighten up a bit and realise football's just an ongoing soap opera, much like EastEnders or Corontation Street. You only have to read the comments that appear under certain articles on the Guardian sportblog to see how seriously some fans take it and how completely deluded and unaccustomed to failure many of them are. Some of the correspondence we get from fans who think we're biased against their team is genuinely funny and often astonishingly abusive. One of my favourite emails was an angry email we got from an Everton fan who accused us of deliberately not publishing the Premier League leading-scorers table for a few weeks because Yakubu featured prominently on it. Just to fuel his paranoia, I'm very tempted to publish one with a thick black line through the names of any Everton players that might feature on it ... if only I could find one with any Everton players on it.

You'll be writing about the World Cup for the Guardian, how do you rate England's chances? I honestly don't think England have a snowball's chance in hell of winning the World Cup, which is an opinion that doesn't go down very well with some of my English friends. But they've had Ireland under the heel of oppression for over 800 years now, so I don't care what they think. They might have forgotten what Cromwell did, but I haven't.

If England fail to win the World Cup in South Africa, it'll be the English media's fault for bigging them up again right? I don't care whose fault it is (although a small part of me hopes it's John Terry's fault), so long as they come home empty-handed. England's a great country which has been very good to me, but the jingoistic smugness that would accompany a World Cup win would be unbearable for me as an envious Paddy. Myself and a couple of Irish mates have already decided that if England make it to the final, we're going to spend the 90 minutes of the game doing laps of the London Underground's Circle Line. Then once we reckon the match is over, we'll alight from the Tube and emerge blinking into the sunlight to see what the prevailing mood is on the street.

The Football Weekly podcast is hugely popular. Why? Good question. The world and his wife are podcasting about football now, but I like to think we're holding our own, if you'll pardon the expression. At least I hope we are - I very rarely listen to any of our "rivals", because I worry I'll end up absorbing other people's opinions or jokes and passing them off as my own. We try not to take ourselves or the football we're talking about too seriously, which I think is one of our more endearing qualities. It's very easy to become pompous and decide that, just because you're talking into a microphone and being broadcast on t'internet, your opinion is more valid than that of somebody pontificating from a bar-stool down in their local pub. If anyone, including me, falls into that trap on Football Weekly, they're quickly cut down to size. It's important also to remember that you can't please all of the people all of the time, so there's no point in trying. We have a number of listeners who claim to hate our show and everyone on it, especially me, but they still tune in religiously, presumably just to confirm that I'm still a prick. I find that very strange. It's like hitting yourself with a stick or burning yourself with cigarettes for 40 minutes twice a week - why on earth would you do it? I think Cash In The Attic is rubbish so I just don't watch it. I certainly wouldn't Sky+ it just to further infuriate myself at the end of a long day.

Will there be a daily version during the World Cup? The honest answer is that I don't know, but I expect there will be. For logistical reasons, I suspect we'll be doing it from London with added input from our boys and girls on the ground dotted around South Africa.

Can you describe your typical working day at Guardian Towers? I can, but I'm not going to. A lot of people seem to think it's a glamourous gig and I'd prefer not to shatter their illusions.

Is there a sport or other subject you would prefer to write about other than football? I must be the only journalist alive who has no interest in writing a book, but I've always fancied trying my hand at a sit-com. However, I'm aware that the older I get the less likely it is to happen. I'm very, very lazy.

Are there any plans afoot to charge for the Football Weekly podcast? Not that I'm aware of. Why? What have you heard? Will I be on commission? I certainly hope we don't start charging for it, because then we'd have to up our game and start taking it more seriously. No good could come of that.

Do you have any interest in Non League football? I'm embarrassed to say that I don't. However, one of our office administrators/fixers, Yvonne, without whom many of our journalists would be unable to get dressed properly in the morning, never mind book into a hotel or catch a plane, is a rabid Luton Town fan who never misses a game, home or away. I'm in awe of her dedication to the Hatters and the close proximity of my desk to her's means I have no choice but to take in interest in their progress in the Blue Square Premier League. I can tell you without looking that they're fifth at the moment, so they're doing quite well in trying circumstances, but possibly not as well as Yvonne would like.

Who are you favourite sporting personalities? I'm a horse racing enthusiast and have the highest of regard for jump jockeys. Not just the really good ones, like Tony McCoy, Ruby Walsh and Timmy Murphy, but all of them. They're so brave, often to the point of total foolhardiness, that I'm honestly in awe of them because I'm far too much of a coward to even try what they do. Although the vast majority are not particularly well paid, they put their lives on the line every time they go out to race, often riding poorly schooled, stupid or lazy horses over big fences at top speed in terrible weather. I mean, it's so dangerous they get followed by an ambulance, for heaven's sake. In what other line of work is that kind of precaution required? And the stoic shrugs with which many of them deal with bad, bone-crunching falls really puts the theatrics of certain diva footballers into perspective. Jump jockeys are as hard as nails and very competitive, but because of the inherent dangers of their sport, the camaraderie between them is real Band of Brothers stuff. There are very few big egos in the weigh room, because every single one of those boys is constantly aware they're only ever one mistake or misplaced hoof away from very serious injury or death.

Putting sport to one side if we may, I hear you're a music aficionado. Who should we be cocking an ear to these days? I'm not sure where you heard that – I downloaded the grand total of one album last year: Florence & The Machine's Lungs, and attended one gig that I can recall: AC/DC at the O2 Arena, which was one of the best nights out I've ever had. In a lame effort to redeem my reputation, I should add that I own three or more albums by each of Primal Scream, The Coral, Foo Fighters and Super Furry Animals. My girlfriend got me interested in the Foo Fighters and Dave Grohl is top of her laminated Celebrity Shag Wishlist. That causes tension in our house, because he's only third on mine.

You like a bit of stand up, any current comedians float your boat? For sheer edginess, I'd have to go for Michael McIntyre. His fearless, ground-breaking routine about people walking past shop windows and doing double-takes upon seeing their own reflection is possibly the funni … no, I'll stop there in case your readers don't realise I'm being sarcastic. There's a lot of comedians I like: I've known Dara O Briain for nearly 15 years, since he was doing gigs in front of 10 or 15 people in assorted Irish clubs and he's doing amazingly well for himself ... the fucker. Dylan Moran is effortlessly brilliant and always has been. I think Chris Rock, Rich Hall, Ross Noble and – on his day – Johnny Vegas are top class as well. I was lucky enough to see Jerry Seinfeld in Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas once and that was probably the best $100 I ever spent. It was certainly the best $100 I spent in Vegas, but that's not saying much.

That's it. Thanks very much for brightening up our tea-time (via the Fiver) and bringing large doses of sophisticated wit, scepticism and cynicism into our daily football intake. It's most welcome and no mistake. No problem, although I think you need psychiatric help if you honestly believe that.

To hear and read more of Barry's musings check out the Guardian Football Website, subscribe to the iron horse of podcasts Football Weekly or sign up for football's most tea-timely email The Fiver.

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