Hampton & Richmond Borough

Escape to Victory

Hampton and Richmond 1-2 Lewes (24:04:10)

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Now I know how Liverpool and Fulham felt last week. Talk about an "arduous" journey to Hampton for this, the last game of the regular Conference South season. Cynical Dave, Big Deaks and I had to walk (walk!) to Brighton Station. Board a train to Clapham Junction before changing trains (changing trains!) to get to Hampton. We then had to walk (yet again) to the Beveree, home to Hampton and Richmond Borough FC. I'm exhausted just thinking about it again.

It was 1hr 34minutes that we certainly won't be getting back. If you've ever experienced an equally epic journey to a football match then feel free to chip in on the comments section underneath this article. No pain, no gain though as they say. We simply had to be there for this one. If Lewes were to win this they'd avoid relegation, anything less and we'd have to rely on Worcester not winning against Eastleigh. There were lots of other permutations which I won't bore you with - yet.

For the price of a seat at Stamford Bridge, EFW sponsored the matchball. In return we were granted free entry, beer, food and the chance to hobnob around in the boardroom for the day. Oh, did I mention our friends from Hampton had laid on a beach party for the day? They had. It was hard not to let out a little wee of excitement. This match had everything going for it. What could possibly go wrong?

EFW has a bit of history with Hampton which you can read about HERE and THERE. So we were amongst friends as we pulled up to the ground, following a swift bevington or three in the Worlds End pub down the road. Friends from both teams that is. All season the EFW team has made up the vast majority of the away support but today over 150 travelling Rooks had swooped down on TW12.

I even had my lucky pre-match meal.

A warm welcome to today's match ball sponsors. Oh, it's us.

The teams enter the pitch to an Argentina '78 type ticker tape reception.

Biggest away support for Lewes for two years. The other two and half thousand were at the bar.

Kevin 'James Alexander Gordon' Brook keeps the masses updated with events at St George's Lane.

Not much occurred on the pitch during an understandably cagey first half. Off it fans used various social networking methods to find out how Worcester were getting on. 0-1 to Eastleigh (relax), then 1-1 (tense up again), then 2-1 Worcester (panic).

Cue half time and a chance to relax in the boardroom over a cup of tea served up by Alan Devonshire's wife. Vice President Elwyn Edmunds entertained the troops with a string of gags and swipe at Sir Stanley Matthews - no left foot apparently. News from Worcester meant that as things stood, the Rooks were going down. Time for an emergency custard cream.

I'm not saying my words in the shells of the home board of Directors had anything to do with events on the pitch but before you could say "Dan'll Fix It" Lewes had scored twice within five minutes of the restart. 19 goal Joe Keehan and on loan sensation Rob Gradwell both scored causing pandemonium amongst the visiting support. Lawyers should note I'm joking of course. I had coffee not tea.

Anyone for rugby? Man with bald head (at top of photo) has a quick ciggie before throwing the ball back into the line-out.

Look! I told you, it's him. It's actual Alan Devonshire.

Back of the (patched up) net.

What on earth is that on the pitch?

So 1-2 to Lewes and that is how it finished they pulled one back just play with our nerves one last time*. *Actually, for a full explanation on their goal, have a look at the comments section below. Just as well because Worcester also won (4-1). It was hard to get all misty eyed as fans and players celebrated like it was 1999. The win meant Lewes had gained 13 points from the last six matches. A run that included two away wins having previously not won on the road all chuffing season. It was genuinely a great escape. That will be two great escapes in 2009/10 having survived a winding up order earlier in the campaign. And relax.

Back in the boardroom, living legend Alan Simpson told stories about Brian Clough and Jimmy Greaves over a few glasses of red wine and Big Deaks and Cynical Dave let the match officials have their cake and eat it without giving them an ear bashing for once. Then we joined the masses in the clubhouse for a battleships worth of beer. Mr Fuller got an exclusive chat with his hero Alan Devonshire and all was well with the world.

And so the curtain came down on The Rooks Conference South season. One in which I've brought you reports on the road from *deep breath* Braintree, St Albans, Bromley, Leatherhead, Wealdstone, Weston-Super-Mare, Eastleigh, Maidenhead, Staines, Kidderminster, Weymouth, Basingstoke, Bishop's Stortford and now Hampton and Richmond. I hope that some of the magic of following Lewes has come across, even if you've no interest in the team. Enormous thanks to Big Deaks, Cynical Dave and Stuart Fuller for providing the funnies, everybody we've met on the way and to the LFC management duo of Steve Ibbitson and Jason Hopkinson who deserve the last word for doing it all for free and with a smile. Cheers!

Before we go. Lets do it shall we. Lets relive the moment that Lewes FC defied all the odds and stayed up. Pull up a chair Lewes fans as I take you through it...

Ibbo (bottom right) looks on as Hampton defender Dean Wells makes himself look a silly goose with a woeful backpass. Lewes striker Gradders Graddwell picks the loose ball up, rounds keeper Matt Lovett and....

....pops it into the patched up net to give the Rooks a 2-0 lead. The crowd go mad.....

.....the players have a well deserved cuddle.....

....and we've done it! We are staying up! Good old life!

My hero! Mr Fuller looks on as Danny salutes his hero Ibbo with a pint.

For more photos from the day CLICK ME

The Ball is Round report

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Bishop's Stortford F.C.

Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now

Bishop's Stortford 0-0 Lewes (20:03:10)

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Bishop's Stortford, huh, yeah, what is it good for? Absolutely loads of things, say it again, y'all. Where to start? Yes, yes, market town next Stansted Airport. Of course, home to a young rebellious Russell Brand in his boarding school days (he got expelled obviously) and I'll even give you Radio 1's Greg James who is a resident.

EFW readers will at this point be thrusting their arms into the air, saying “sir! sir! sir!” in their eagerness to point out that despite Brand, James and planes; the real reason Bishop's Stortford are on the tip of most people's tongues these days is the fans of their football team The Bishops or if you will The Blues.

Blues fans are known to be very loud and are also well known throughout the league for their witty chanting and their chants have appeared on a number of occasions on the BBC Sports's 'Chants of the Season' section. I guess you'll be wanting an award winning example now won't you? Here we go then; to the tune of Toni Basil's Hey Mickey - they once sung to St Albans goalkeeper Nick Eyre: "Hey Nicky you're so fine, you're so fine, you're two behind, hey Nicky!" Worthy of a two hour train trip to Woodside Park to see Lewes take them on then? Yes siree, not arf.

The EFW Team suffered a minor setback upon our arrival to CM23 just under 4 hours before kick off. The pub we'd pencilled in for our pre-match beer and darts (Jolly Brewers) wasn't open. What to do in a moment of crisis? Join the Bishop's Stortford Working Mens Club next door? Of course. We can be quite resourceful at times. So we grabbed a local to sign us in and flashed our union cards for further proof of our working class roots and Bob was indeed our Uncle. In you come lads. £2.20 a pint ok for you? I'll switch the light on for the dart board shall I?.

Absolutely everybody in the pub was up for a chat. They were all over talking about football, football, football, Cheltenham Festival, football and a bit of football. A plaque on the wall proudly boasted the fully deserved title of Britain's loudest and hottest pub. An award they'd picked up for four years running. After 21 legs of darts, a few rounds and a wave to all and sundry we were on our merry way.

We made it as far as the Rose and Crown opposite the station. A traditional local that has been spoilt by an unnecessary refurbishment (ie dart board removed, swanky sofas inserted and wooden floorboards installed). A very swift pint later and we taxied our way into the Eddie Bentley Lounge at Woodside Park, home to Bishop's Stortford FC or Bishop's Stortfort FC as the welcoming mat would have it be known.

Our friends at The Ball is Round Blog had sponsored the match and as such we had a little bit of fun in the boardroom beforehand. Stuart, the head poncho of TBIR had arranged for his two daughters to be matchday mascots for the afternoon - Dad of the Year Gong in the post as we speak. Heavenly biscuits were on offer which compensated for the lack of beer. Non-League football and biscuits go hand in hand. Check out the Rothmans Guide to Non-League Biscuits Volume 12 if you can grab hold of a copy. Priceless.

TBIR mascots Lolly and Islabella Fuller get ready to rumble.

Frank "Ponch" Poncherello and Larry Wilcox aka Officer Jon Baker non plussed.

Let us out!

And relax..

What of the match then Lasty!? I can sum that up in one letter - ZZZZzzzz......Good Lord it was dull. Two teams hopelessly out of form served up a chess match that Garry Kasparov and Nigel Short would have been proud of. I suppose for two teams sporting the nicknames "The Bishops" and "The Rooks" it was about par for the course. Checkmate?

Lewes dominated proceedings after The Blues were reduced to 10 men midway through the second half but it was an all too familiar story of bags of possession and no end product. We're keeping the faith though here at EFW HQ. I for one won't mention the fact that we got rid of my sponsored player Sam Crabb - who knew where the goal was - the same Sam Crabb who is a heartbeat away from Wembley by virtue of shooting Whitehawk to FA Vase glory. Not my style mate. See you on Sunday for the semi-final Crabby - he said bleating on about Sam Crabb.

Afterwards, we were entertained in the shoe box of a boardroom. It was like being stuck on the Circle Line during rush hour. Even an eagle-eyed action man would have struggled to pick out the scores rolling in on the tiny portable telly. Even a Japanese sniper would have struggled to decipher Rochadale's 4-2 victory over The Accies on the vidiprinter. Ning, ning, ning, moan moan moan etc....

It wasn't all bad though. Firstly, the guy who spins the wheels of steel over the PA system at the Woodside pumped out an ironic version of "Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now" by The Smiths at the final whistle. Secondly, the EFW Team had rang ahead and donated 15GBP to Sports Relief for the over exposed James Corden NOT to appear during the ninety plus minutes. Everyone is a winner. Cheers!

Man alive Mr Sackey! Have you not read our Odense BK report!? Click HERE to do so.

Have you ever seen a ref so happy to book a player? He sent him off later on.

As we were next to Stansted Airport, I had an award winning photo of a floodlight and a plane in mind. 1 FIFA star for this effort? Low cloud cover is my only - very lame - excuse.

The lino about to swing a fast boot.

And IF you KNOW your history...

Letter of complaint to FIFA in the post as I type.

Game on, Barney to throw first. LLF in the background soaking up every minute.

Cynical Dave's post match reaction.

And finally (phew - Ed) joking aside, it was a brolly good show. Keep the faith and see you next week.

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Basingstoke Town

A Good Tradition

Basingstoke Town 1-1 Lewes (06:03:10)

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Sometimes prior to a match, I'll have a little surf through the interweb to see if a town or club I'm visiting throws up any gems to wax lyrical about. Upon researching Basingstoke, I hit the Tanita Tikaram jackpot squarely on the head. Arguably one of the town's more famous Indo-Fijians, Tikaram resided in Basingstoke for many years after initially being born in Germany. Was she back in town? Would she turn up at the match? Our fingers were certainly crossed.

There isn't much of a good tradition of love or hate between The Rooks and The Dragons, so the EFW Team set off to put this right and try and build some Waynes (bridges). We err on the side of love rather than hate on these pages. On days like these the EFW Team doubles up as the Lewes Lunatic Fringe (LLF). Don't be alarmed though, the LLF are the antidote to hooligan firms. Danny Dyer can sleep easy when the LLF are in town. Its funnies and not fighting we live for.

In a little twist in my sobriety, I was back on the beer for this match after a self imposed two week booze ban. Beers in Basingstoke (Beersingstoke?) were certainly on our pre-match agenda and with the ground almost two miles from the central station, it was going to be thirsty old work and no mistake.

Upon our arrival in town four hours before kick off (you can never be too sure eh!?) we made a beeline for the Winton pub and thanked our lucky stars it was a Conference South match we were going to be pitching up at and not an International friendly. Fans attending Eire v Brazil at the Emirates earlier in the week paid a minimum of £33 - plus booking fee naturally - for the "privilege". When I found out that little fact, I had to have a sit down for five minutes and a rub down with the Non-League Paper to recuperate.

Anyone got Banksy's mobile number?

The BTFC megastore.

Can I see your Staff ID Card again please Number 6?

Basingstoke Ultras

Hats o'clock in RG22.

Any old (corrugated) iron?

Contrast those greedy cats who made up those poppycock prices for a friendly with Basingstoke Town FC. In a bid to increase the attendance at this match and boost their bid for a play-off spot, gurus at the club reduced prices to just 5GBP (5GBP!). You can't even buy a cream cheese bagel in London for a fiver. Hats at a jaunty angle, 5 FIFA stars etc to the big cheeses of BTFC.

Anyway, where were we? (in the pub probably - Ed) Oh yes, in the pub. Despite being described as a "characterless working class pub with surly bar staff and forlorn handpumps" on the Beer in the Evening website, The Winton ticked all of our boxes ie it had a dart board and served a passable pint of Guinness. The forthcoming live music events in said pub though are to be performed by a collection of the worst named bands on planet earth. Stepping onto the stage will be; Dual Control, Energy, Roadrunner, Strange Deal, Titanic Survivors, Just Testing, Die Laughing and Uncle Jacks. Not a FIFA star in sight for any of those.

Not a FIFA star in sight.

After 18 legs of darts, we were picked up by Fullers Stuart and Lolly and transported to the ample clubhouse at The Camrose. The locals were showing a partial interest in the Portsmouth v Birmingham FA Cup match on the big screens inside. For 0.000000641025% of Pompey's reported debt, one can watch an afternoon's football in the town Tanita Tikaram once called home.

So what did we get for our five English pounds? Well, proper hacks would've probably described the game as "a little scrappy". It was a match of very few chances and wasn't helped by over officious referring by Wes Linden who incurred the wrath of both sets of fans. A strangely subdued Cynical Dave let the officials off lightly and seemingly concurred with every decision. We nicknamed him William for the day. William the Concurrer.

Lewes took a lead into half time courtesy of Joe Keehan noggin. His headed goal in the fourth minute was his 14th (fourteenth!) goal of the season. The EFW Team were joined in the second half by England cricketer Shaun Udal whom Big Deaks had spotted - from over a hundred yards - earlier on. Our early banter with him was briefly interrupted by the delightfully named Jide Ogunbote. Botters headed The Dragons level which caused Udal to star jump around the terrace. He thinks Basingstoke Town are Tina Turner of the Conference South (Simply the Best). Good luck to him we say.

England's Shaun Udal joins the good ship EFW.

This terrace doubles up as a local runway apparently.

Lolly Fuller gets ready for the World Cup.

The queue for Hot dogs, Burgers and chips gets a little heated.

Explore our wide range of mascots?

The main stand. Can't think of a pithy one liner for this photo. Sorry.

1-1 at full time then which, on reflection, was fair enough. We said our goodbyes to Udal and a 6ft man dressed as a dragon, who apparently was the club mascot. Dave Partridge, who is the Director at Basingstoke told us earlier in the week that the club had adopted "The Dragons" nickname a few seasons ago to give the club a "stronger image". Rumour has it that they were going to be called "The Basins" but that idea was dismissed on the grounds that the "Barnie the Basin" costume for the mascot was simply too tricky to stitch together.

Anyway, enough of all this football and mascot talk *a nation cries* what of Tanita Tikaram!? Well, she didn't turn up to the match but she was kind enough to give EFW five minutes of her time for an interview. Several million album sales and still willing to talk to us. Can we award 6 (six!) FIFA stars!? :

Hi Tanita, Have you ever attended a Basingstoke Town match? Hi, erm....no, sorry!
Do you have any interest in football? Well, like most children I enjoyed playing football, and my brother & I were avid fans of the football comic ' Scoop' ! Growing up, I also loved watching the World Cup with my father . However,as an adult I'm not so interested in football.

Are you proud to call Basingstoke home? Well, my parents still live in Basingstoke and they are very happy there so of course I still feel a strong affection for the town.

Are you still gigging and releasing records? I will be recording a new album this year but you can also listen to my podcasts on my website where I perform acoustic versions of some of my older songs .

That's brilliant Tanita, thanks for your time. Thanks Danny! take care and have fun in Basingstoke , tt.

At last. TT at BTFC.

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Weymouth FC

Our glasses are half full

Weymouth 3-1 Lewes (30:01:10)

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We could have locked the doors of EFW Towers this weekend, made a beeline for the sofa, and popped on our 3D glasses to watch Arsenal v Manchester United. Instead, we decided to get some air in our lungs, slip into an altogether more comfy pair of beer goggles, and head to Dorset for the basement battle at the Wessex Stadium. Weymouth v Lewes, winner to get six points, well, sort of. To be honest it was one of the easier conundrums we've had to deal with.

Whilst we are on the Disney theme, you could probably make a half decent Hollywood blockbuster with the (A)list of ex-managers who have swung through the revolving door down at DT4. Steve Claridge, Bobby Gould, John Hollins, Neil Webb and even Trevor Senior have had a sniff at releasing the potential of the Terras.

Weymouth FC have been suffering from off the field problems recently. On the field, they are rock bottom of the Conference South. Oh. All too familiar tales of administrators, lack of cash, unhappy fans, resignations, chaos, sackings, umpty thrumpty managers etc. Like Lewes, they too have survived by the skin of their teeth and are now hoping for (yet another) new dawn under the guidance of former Cambridge United chairman George Rolls, who is now the new owner and Jerry Gill; who just prior to this game took up the managers hot seat.

As we chugged our way through the New Forest on the train to Dorset, the EFW Team - Cynical Dave, Big Deaks and I - past the time by talking about Willie Thorne (Willie Thorne!). Willie, or Mr Maximum to his mates, has battled back from the brink of a gambling addiction. Famously, he once stuck 38 large on John Parrot to lose a match in which he'd lost his cue and had to borrow one from the venue he was playing at. Much to Willie's annoyance, Parrot won the match in which Thorne actually - get this -commentated on. Snooker loopy or what!?

Talking of Mr Maximum (nice - Ed.), I managed to pop in a cheeky 180 during our pre-match darts and beerathon upon our early arrival in Weymouth. It was darts heaven in town. Every pub had a board, it was like the old days. In fact in did rather feel as if we'd stepped back into the 80's but hey, what's not to like!? We took advantage of the £2 (£2!) pints and the splendid free jukeboxes; Cynical Dave is a Journey/Don't Stop Believing sort of guy, Danny dived headfirst into The Clash/White Man in Hammersmith Palais and Deaks, actually, Deaks could not be arsed.

The 80's theme continued as we stepped into the agreeable surroundings of the Wessex Stadium. Banks of terracing and some aesthetically pleasing floodlights juxtapose with some slightly over the top fencing. Big Deaks and I chose to pay homage to the three dimensional direction that Sky are hoping to bring into our living rooms. We sported some specially commissioned glasses throughout the game. Silly gooses that we are, we love mocking the week.

A McCartney-esque thumbs aloft

We can see right through the Terras new gaffer Jerry Gill...

....it must be our new 3D glasses! Big Deaks and Danny pay homage to Sky Sports.

One man and his terrace. Sadly, crowds have dipped a bit at the Wessex Stadium.

Grade A!? The police chopper circulates overhead in a bid to detect the Lewes Lunatic Fringe.

Disappointingly, The Rooks put in one of their most inept performances of the season. The 'new manager syndrome' had fired up the home side and they outclassed Lewes, especially in the second half. The highlight for the Terras was probably Stephen Reed's 25 (twenty-blooming-five!) yard screamer that put them 2-1 up after 58 minutes. From then on it was men against boys and Jake Reid's tap in put the gloss on a thoroughly deserved home win *he said through gritted teeth*.

We are not ones to get dismayed easily here at EFW. The team regrouped in the pub opposite the station, purchased some Polish beer for the journey home and continued to laugh like drains all evening. I don't know what 'laughing like a drain' actually means, but we did it anyway.

What this defeat does mean is that the very last game of the season is now shaping up to be something of a cracker. Lewes are away to fellow strugglers Hampton and Richmond. This match may well decide who gets relegated, us or them. If that is the case, then we'll be inviting our chums from around Europe to travel to the game and cheer on The Rooks. It could well be the biggest party Europe has ever seen. So keep the 24th April free in your diaries folks.

Whoops! Ross Sutton fails to clear and it's 1-0 to Weymouth.

Joe Keehan fires in the equaliser from the spot. Yeeeeees!

Kane Louis takes on the Jewson lot.

Breachy and Wheeler jump to support local football.

Back of the net.

I think that is it is it.....ummm.....*checks notes* oh. No it isn't. I did an interview with a Weymouth fanatic Richard Wood and furthermore, here it jolly well is:

What's the best thing about supporting Weymouth? It’s my hometown club. I was taken there by my uncle to old ground near the harbour. Following that I lived for years around half a mile as the crow flies from the Wessex Stadium. You can see the floodlights from the back garden! Also you can meet the players, and you usually feel more “a part of it” than you would going to watch a league club.

And the worst? All the bad publicity and all the other off field shenanigans, which seems to have been part of the staple diet since we took up residence at the Wessex. It’s all about money these days.

What has made you laugh in your times of following The Terras? I can’t think too many things in particular. Older fans could probably reel off a few. There was a moment in our last home game against Chelmsford, when one of the visiting defenders managed to get fouled by the corner flag! The flag escaped a booking though. Although the player had to go off injured around 5 minutes later! On the whole though, most of the funny things I have witnessed over the years seem to have been unintentional, and there have been plenty of those!

Who are you rivals? Older fans will say Yeovil every time. And history wise I have to agree. But the clubs are so far apart these days it’s hard to see us ever meeting in a meaningful game for a long time to come, if ever. But things can change quickly in football. At the moment the local rivals would have to be Dorchester Town, or the Maggots as we like to call them.

We like a beer with our football here at EFW, what's the clubhouse like at Weymouth and which pubs do you recommend we frequent before and after the game? Not really the person to ask this one to. The hardcore fans used to use the Market House, not sure if this is still the case. Also the last I heard the Swan near the town bridge was quite popular with fans. The clubhouse has been a bone of contention for years. Long and narrow, upstairs with no lift, so not very disabled supporter friendly. Also not very well designed, but if you do use it I am sure you would be made welcome, we are quite a friendly bunch on the whole, win or lose!

Can you sum up Weymouth in a Tweet of less than 140 characters? A big part of my life for quite a few years, sometimes it makes me angry, sometimes it makes me happy, but it is ALWAYS entertaining.

Click to enlarge this flakey attempt at a panoramic photo.

This one any better? (Not really - Ed)

Big Deaks laughing like a drain - whatever that means.

Danny milks the EFW ipad/3D glasses gag one more time.

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