*World Exclusive* Manchester United stole Cynical Dave's coat

Shame on you Manchester United. Shame on you.

I never thought Manchester United would ever get a mention on these pages. Least of all under this large black cloud. In a world exclusive which you'll be reading about in the News of the World next week, I can today expose one of the reasons how the boys from the Theatre of Dreams are so cash happy - they steal their coats.

Something wasn't quite right as the EFW team made their way to HQ on Saturday afternoon. With temperatures dipping below freezing, it was a given that Cynical Dave would have selected his famous green non-league parka off the peg as his coat of choice for the day. Shockingly, he wasn't wearing it. Naturally questions were asked.....

It was revealed to us that someone had stolen (stolen!) his coat on Friday night down the pub. In case you are wondering what all the fuss is about, here is Dave's famous coat as photographed on the day we went to the Kent derby between Dartford and Maidstone:

Isn't it a thing of beauty!?

Beer + Rothmans Non-League Yearbook + that coat. Happy days obviously.

Now then, now then...obviously we were shocked that someone would do such a thing and pinch the perfect parka. Ebay was the obvious first port of call as the thief was bound to cash in on the prize to make a quick buck. No joy there. Then upon stumbling home from HQ with our curry, we switched on Match of the Day at EFW Towers and OMG! Well, look for yourselves:

Mike Phelan of Manchester United....

...bold as bloody brass!

Can you believe it!? I know the tv money is easing up in football and all that but aren't Manchester United supposed to be the worlds richest club? Quite how Mike Phelan came to "acquire" Cynical's coat is a mystery but we want answers Manchester United and fast. As he droned on about Uniteds point at Birmingham a certain furry was gathering pace in East Sussex.

We will give them 7 (seven) days to return it. If its not forthcoming by that time then it will be a matter for our lawyers.

- Feel free to comment on this outrage below -